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In Which I Am Mad At My Central Nervous System

Oh-ho! Looks like someone just got their copy of Skyward Sword! I bet you can’t wait to play it, huh? Look at it—sitting there all golden and shiny. Man.

Here’s the thing though, you useless brain: you can’t play it. No. Because you’re going to write something first. Anything. You can’t play it because you have spent two days listlessly sloshing around in my skull, while I have been trying to write down some stuff that I know you already know. You have been wasting my time, brain, and now I intend to waste yours. And you need me, if you expect to swash any goddamned buckles tonight.

So! How about this, huh? Just you and me; one on one. Mano-a-neuro. Locked in a staring contest. Or I guess, like, an optic nerve tug o’ war or something. I notice you’re still not doing me any favors here, word-wise. Fine, I guess “mano-a-neuro” was pretty good. Still.

Bottom line: you got lazy. You churn out a mediocre sub-140 sound bite every so often, slip it under the door when I’m not even paying attention, and go back to humming songs from Mega Man 2 for hours at a stretch. But, oh, you see these suckers right here? Paragraphs. And you hate them—oh, how you hate them. I can tell. All this cohesion is just grating on you. Jesus, no, I don’t want a “I’m down with those PPs” joke. Will you please try to focus for five minutes? This is exactly what I’m talking about.

Let me tell you how it’s gonna go down here, friendo. We’re gonna keep doing this. Yes. This is going to keep on happening—maybe daily—until you pull your act together. I’m not sorry in the least. The deal is: you suck it up, and I keep the caffeine coming. No negotiations, no bargaining. Now let’s go save some princesses already; Christ.

In Which I Rap Battle @ajpiano

Wilto

But let’s stop this—try a topic with less awfulness.
It’s @Wilto from Twitter, threatnin’ to punch your esophagus.
Arguing semantics and trollin’ on all the haters.
Droppin’ the dopest stylistics—all of the rest r alligators.
[OH!]
Oh snao™.
Thought that I was finished? I’m back; look at me now.
Writin’ these baffling lyrics and hittin’ on every mark.
Drunken killing machine—call me the blonde Tony Stark.
So you’re runnin’ a diff against me? Here comes the ?boom:
Did you are unimpressed now?
⇐ Wilto just left the room.

AJPiano

ya lil wilto, i heard ya whack rhymes
they make me say WAT over 9000 times!
cause WAT’s what we say when you show your man-( . )
Aamir down to yonky, we all know ur noob.
me, how i roll? i’m the champ, got the chops
don’t step to me bro, cause you know i got ops
so check yaself soon, don’t say yain’t been warned
or ya momma find out just how babby is formed

Wilto

Hold the phone; stop the press; break the loop, ‘cause (→Wilto joined)
Heard some chump in -ot needs roasting like a sirloin.
Play a sad song, Piano—think your Ops can save you now?
Hate to break it to you buddy: I’m straight cuttin’ you off the cow.
You’re sizzlin’ in the pan, already halfway cooked to done.
About to get served-up by this vegetarian.
So none for me though, it’s cool, no thanks.
Lil’ Wil’, not Lil’ Wayne—don’t eat rappers, just kick flanks.

AJPiano

compare me to meat? i must say, i’m impressed!
cause i’m lean and i’m fresh, pretty much i’m the best
don’t need chanserv or nickserv to do none of my biddin’
got something to show ya right where ya sittin’
it’s kinda like steak, but it’s more like a sausage
it’s gone ta close dis battle out just like mothafuckin’ Goose Gossage
so without further delay, what i want you to see
is the mighty wrath of my 8 equals equals D

Wilto

You booked a trip through the meat grinder? Alright.
So you’re getting ground up, while my flows stay air-tight?
You’re feeling the squeeze while I’m squeezing on— Well:
Go ahead and assume; I don’t like to kiss and tell.
Seems all your tactics are lacking while I’m attacking these rhymes.
Hit the Basecamp tab—you just clocked killable time.

In Which I am Married to the Sea

The following is an excerpt from an email chain about an upcoming canoeing trip:

I won’t beat around the bush here, men: I will not be an easy Captain to serve under. I will do little-to-no work. I will drink most-to-all of the beer. I will bark commands constantly, some of which may or may not be vaguely nautical-sounding nonsense such as “buttress the keel-jibber.” Be assured that if I cannot seek to commandeer and/or overturn the boats of my enemies—and know that all those not in my boat will be regarded as such—I will likely seek to destroy my own in some way. I do this because it amuses me, and to serve under my command is to prepare to surrender one’s very life for the sake of said amusement, no matter how fleeting it may be.

There is no “however,” here—no promise of riches or glory. What I am saying is that I will get drunk and attempt to drown you all. But one of you has the chance to be with me in this endeavor, while the remainder must stand squarely against me. The choice, men, is yours.

(Disclaimer: I will likely attempt to drown the person who is “with me,” as well.)

- Wilto

JS Comment Trick

I learned this trick at this year’s jQuery Conference—it’s a quick toggle for commenting out blocks of code, by adding a single forward slash.

This runs as usual:

//*/
	$('input').value('boston, ma');
	$('form').trigger('submit');
//*/

This comments out the block of code:

/*/
	$('input').value('boston, ma');
	$('form').trigger('submit');
//*/

It’s handy for switching a test process on and off.